Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconluna-bell07: More from Luna-Bell07


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
January 1, 2013
File Size
4.0 KB
Mature Content
Yes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
108
Favourites
0
Comments
2
Downloads
0
×
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
*Original work, written in support of gay rights. This is a rewrite of 'Drive', something I posted on here weeks ago. This story was and will always be inspired by Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, the Chronicles of Narnia and Sailor Moon.

Larron Bennex and the other characters belong to me.

*Larron: Officer of an esteemed police force. Loves his younger brother, Lain, more than anything.

Please read this, and tell me what you think. I hope to have this published someday!

----------------------------------------


Chapter One-Unable to Awaken with Eyes Open

Sleep. It hasn't been a friend of mine lately. We actually haven't been friends for a pretty long time. Somewhere along the line, the sandman filed his divorce papers. He hasn't been back to visit me since.

In my line of work, I'm expected to lose sleep. Dreams of sugarplum fairies and gumdrops don't come to me easily. But lately, it's been as if my body never turns off. The gears in my head are constantly churning, and my engine's always running. Even after I've clocked out for the day, I'm on pins and needles, waiting for meteors to fall out of the sky.

Who am I? The name's Larron. Larron Bennex, in case you want the full picture. What am I? I'm a superhero. A soldier that works to protect the world. Others might call me Officer Bennex, member of the HSL: Hybel's Shining Light force. I may not look like much, but hey. Great things come in unexpected packages. So don't any attention to those guys that say my hair's spun from moonlight, and my eyes are as blue as sapphires. I'm not the kitty cat I appear to be.

My job used to be easy: all I had to do was take down the bad guys, memorize a few textbooks on Hybel's history, and put up with the snot-nosed rookies. After all of that, I only had to call it a day. But as of late, things have been out of control. Things are still out of control.

I don't know where to turn any more.

The voices in my head are out of sync. Don't mistake me for some guy wandering the streets, either, believing he sees magical ponies, prancing through the sky. In my neck of the woods, it's not uncommon to have a telepathic link to the world's spirits. They're usually at peace, only alarmed when I'm on the job, hunting down your usual criminals. But lately, they've been stark raving mad. They're no longer guiding me.

My flashlight no longer pierces the strongest darkness.

Even when night drapes itself over my eyes, I'm as peaceful as a cat on a highway. My Spirit Guides don't know when to shut up, let alone 'how'. And I don't blame them. The world's no longer in black and white. The ugliest bastards known to man are wreaking havoc, as if they're the stars of some B-grade horror flick. The streets are filled with the screams you'd expect from their victims, and every regime's controlling the public with their powers of wisdom.

I've never been too much into the Holy Ministries, even though we of the HSL serve them. I'm on the job to protect people-that's all there is to it. But lately, ministers left and right are on their high horses, telling everyone to calm down, because soon the gods will be appeased. The chaos destroying families, homes and dreams is just a part of one, big show. It's all supposed to happen, to put a great, big smile on the faces of the Fathers. Right?

I'm pretty much the only one uneasy about the Spirit Guides, and chaos erasing everything out of existence. There are a few other exceptions, one of them being my superior, but overall, everyone's laidback. Excited. There have been enough 'How Many Maelvores Can You Kill' competitions to put an amusement park to shame. Zach's leading the pack by fifty kills, and he's pretty damn proud about it.

But they keep on coming. And I don't think they're going to stop anytime soon.
:bulletblue: Original work, done in support of gay rights. A rewrite of Drive, an adventure I posted on here weeks ago. Please read it, and tell me what you think! I hope to have it published. :bulletpurple:

Larron Bennex's world is on the verge of collapse-and his brother, Lain, is at the very center of imminent destruction. Mysteries and intrigue plague the world Larron lives in, leaving him unable to protect his beloved brother-and untangle innocents from corruption.

:iconkathraw:
Critique by KathraW Jan 1, 2013, 6:51:34 PM
I wasn't sure if you wanted a critique, but I just saw this box and the button and just wanted to press it ^^

Alright, I'll start with edits:

"So don't any attention to those guys" Did you mean to say, "...don't PAY any attention..."?

"I don't know where to turn any more." "anymore", yes?

Alright, now the fun part!

This seems pretty cool, I'm just saying. I wasn't expecting such a beginning piece. Can I just say, that I admire your narrative descriptions? For first person, many fail to grasps such narration for the beginning. Most jump, but yours has this nice introductory flow.

I'm a bit curious as of where you plan to take this story. For it to be a fantasy and "yaoi" piece, if I may, it seems like the plot would be interestingly creative. I love things that don't normally mix. Unique work is the best work in my opinion.

So what are these Maelvores? They seem interesting. Or, maybe it'll be sad to kill these things. I have no clue. You've left so much to go on and it allows a great hook for readers so they want to go ahead and click your next chapter. That's always a plus.

In all, great work. This is a perfect introduction to your story. It has many appealing qualities to it already, and I hope that it'll only get better from here ^-^
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconabtc89:
Oh dear, I clicked on the button.

It is an interesting piece, especially since it is written in the first person (which not all can fully grasp but you did a good job in doing so), awfully curious with these Spirit Guides and their relation to Larron.

Curiosity is getting the best of me as to where this story is headed and I do hope to see more written in the 'first person'. Just who exactly runs the HSL? What are it's origins? What exactly are these creatures which bring terror to the world?

I just can not sit still!!!!!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconeleanor-d:
Eleanor-D Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Luna B, this rawks! This story seems like it’s going to be an epic mixture of spirituality, fantasy, sci-fi, crime drama, and—hopefully—romance?! Fangtastic!

Here are my thoughts as I was reading – take my words, and only use them if they’re useful to you!

Loved the opening lines, including the sandman image! Insomnia is something a lot of people can identify with – me included. C: The dark of the night is a personal time for brooding and working through one’s problems.

“So don't any attention to those guys that say my hair's spun from moonlight, and my eyes are as blue as sapphires.” – Perhaps you meant don’t ‘pay’ any attention? Cool descriptions. C:

“The chaos destroying families, homes and dreams is just a part of one, big show.” – I’d like to know, what are they doing? Burning down churches, cities, jailing people, etc.? I’m curious to see what havoc these guys (who sound kinda evil!) are wrecking.

“Maelvores” – I would maybe explain what these babies are – maybe insert a brief description after their first mention, like “Maelvores…those fierce, wolf-like beasts that haunt the woods near the railroad tracks” (or of course, however you imagine them, ah ha ha! I just made that up!), as I’m curious to see! Either way, they sound scary. Zach sounds pretty bad ass for messing up 50 of them.

I would just extend this introduction chapter a little – explain more about the council, what Larron’s (cool name btw, where does it come from?) beef with them emerges from, etc. I’d love to get immersed in this world!

Either way, awesome job, darling—write more soon!
Reply
:iconziedrak:
Ziedrak Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I'm not good at writing critiques, I suck at that kind of stuff... But so far, what I read, looks really interesting, I would love to see how everything develops, the story, the characters and the world in which they live.
I'm really interested in this characters, and this chaos that inhabits there.

Wipe all of the evil from this planet.
Reply
Add a Comment: